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End-user Profiling
by Doug Chick

The term End-user is a reference used to describe a computer user, that is someone that doesn't work in the IT Department. End-users are also frequently called, PEBCAK, (Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard), Lusers, idiots, dump-asses, little brains and lobs, but not to their faces. Well, mostly not to their faces. This resentment between computer professional and computer users mainly stems from the end-users unwillingness to retain basic instruction and the odd manner is which they try licking off the letters O and E from their computer keyboard went no one’s around. End-users themselves also harbor ill will towards the IT department because they believe that computer people are arrogant and always trying to make them feel stupid. They are insulted over rumors that the IT department uses a formula based on the amount of cat picture an end-user has on his or her desk to determine their mental competence. And these people are convinced that the word “Reboot” is used to trigger a secret camera that is built into their monitors used to spy on them. 
    Network Administrators and Helpdesk techs will argue that these accusations are absurd. It is also computer peoples assertion that they have never intentionally tried to make any of these idiots feel stupid. Furthermore, the rebooting of an End-users computer actually servers to remove a conflicting program stored in the computers memory chip. Only in a secondary capacity do they entertain themselves with a contest on who can have the most computers rebooted in a single day. Although some may admit that larger companies actually have the budget to sport a system that registers reboots and causes little electronic horses to race around a digital race track. And where the winner receives an all expense paid trip to the Sci-fi convention of their choice, while the loser is forced to sit in the phone closet and monitor all of the end-users through the camera that is built directly into their monitors. As to the notion that there might be End-user profiling, that part at least is true and it goes something like this: 

End-user Profiling

·        If there are more than 3 cat pictures on one desk and less than 5, that person is assigned the value of 22.

·        If there are more then 6 pictures and less then 15 then they are assigned the value of 140.

By using these values and multiplying them by the number of religious ornamentation or messages of spiritual strength that are also sometimes found around an end-users desk and you will come up with the exact number of times that these people will call the help desk in a one month period. Computer people insist that these numbers are always accurate.

Any number of cat pictures higher than 15, the end-users computer is taken away and replaced with an Etch-A-Sketch Ò. Once this occurs, rebooting consists of a rapid shaking motion directed over ones head. If they have to reboot their Etch-A-Sketch more than 4 times in any given day, they are looking at porn and it too is removed. An average sized IT department can only support up to 5 Etch-A-Sketch users per company.

Another trait of the end-user is; End-user denial. Also known as sudden-system-death syndrome. Sudden-system-death syndrome is when an end-users laptop doesn’t work because it is filled with diet coke, or they put a disk in their computer from home or unplugged it from the power strip to make way for their radio. When asked what was the last action taken before their computer stopped responding, they immediately become extremely nervous and agitated and quickly deny any knowledge or accountability. In a strange phenomena occurs, that even the end-user can not later explain to themselves, they try blaming the entire incident on the very person that is there to help them. This also has a term, but I can’t accurately say it without first becoming inebriated while standing in 3 feet of pig dung. 

You can read more about this in a book that I am currently writing titled, The bitter Network Administrators Infinitive Encyclopedia of Computer End-users, or 101 Things You Can Do From A Prison Cell.



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