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The Differences Between End-users and African Mountain Gorillas
Douglas Chick

Before I make a comparison between end-users and gorillas, I would first like to apologize to the African mountain gorilla. My first choice was to compare end-users to the inebriated goat herders of the Himalayas, but since I know less about the inebriated goat herders of the Himalayas than I do mountain gorilla, but because I do have this animated gif of two gorillas picking fleas off each other, I have chosen to work with what I have. Although I'm sure that many of my end-users have at times been with a goat, perhaps even sheep. Nevertheless, this article is intended to detail the comparative differences between the African mountain gorilla and the common computer end-user. That may or may not have recreated with ruminants. My article begins....

1. Gorillas will band together in small family troops and spend their entire life's feeding off the leafs of the forest while protected by a silver backed male that can weigh in the excess of 160 kilograms.

 C. End-users will recognize my shoes in the men's room and immediately proceed to ask me questions about their computer. If I were in a gorilla troop, the leader of my group would save me from this humiliation by storming in and inserting enough bananas into the end-user's user "end" that he would never be curious about computers again. Well, except for the one that prints out his bill at the proctologist's office.

2. Gorillas will make a bed of fresh leafs every night before sleeping.

 C. End-users will bring in their home computer and place it on my chair without a name or clue to what the problem is. If I were in a gorilla troop, the leader of my group would explain that Doug doesn't necessarily repair people's home computers because the moment that Doug touches your piece of crap computer, you will think that Doug is obligated to support you and your stupid machine for the rest of Doug's natural life. And then of course, the gorilla leader would proceed in tearing off the arms of the end-user like the limbs of a gum tree.

3. Gorillas are big.

 C. End-users have lots of cats. I don't mean one or two cats I mean a lot of cats, like a million. End-users have a million cats, each. So it's easy to see why I say that end-users have a lot of cats. Because that's a lot....  hmm, moving right along.

4. Gorillas have hands as big as my head.

 C. End-users have fingers as big as German sausages. This prevents them from ever typing their password correctly the first time. This causes them to ask in that familiar nasally tone;  "Is the network down again?"

5. Gorillas are...who cares what gorillas are.

C. End-users make me want to vomit. Not normal vomiting either. The kind of gut retching dry heaving that can only be caused by something terribly hideous. So much vomiting would occur that a doctor would have to get involved and replace fluids.

....I may have gone too far with this.